Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
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me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
i think we should see other cousins
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest