In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I gave up going to work for lent.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
This is my bus stop.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.