“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
When you can’t find your friend Neil
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Guantanamo Bae
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.