Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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I need a headline like this
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf