When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face