I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.