Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
You Might Also Like
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*