“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell