All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Bike is short for Bichael.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: