Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
When I said I liked it rough.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?