Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
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Me to fly that wonโt leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Weโve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5โ9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? Iโm a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
if youโve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, iโd highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
No YOUโRE not worded correctly.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, hereโs a dozen cupcakes.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*doorbell rings*
me: go away Iโm social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong