If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“What?”
– Jude
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.