Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
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Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
What personal space?
My dog
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
the #horror is real!
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
So we got a goldfish…
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”