*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.