*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Yes, this is exactly right
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.