who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.