Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
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Okay me first
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…