People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
You Might Also Like
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.