Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!