It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
kitchen magnet
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”