The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.