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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Whoa 😂
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.