The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*