Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
so weird how every mom was born today
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer