My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure