I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”