I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.