Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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(more comics:
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.