A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
step 6: release the wall snake
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
May your day taste like creamy soup.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I’M CRYINGGG
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
who wore it better?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.