At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it鈥檚 not 19 & 9 馃槖
You Might Also Like
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you鈥檙e too drunk to vacuum ?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 饾槍饾槤饾槍饾槞饾槧饾槢饾槒饾槓饾槙饾槑 all up
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you鈥檙e even dead.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Print is alive and well!!!
I鈥檓 at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I鈥檓 snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[wedding day]
fianc茅: I shouldn鈥檛 have let you pick the photographer
me: but he鈥檚 my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped