My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
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*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe