Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Where’s my employee discount too?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
(True)
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….