The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Good point.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.