You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
So inspired right now.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’ll be mad as hell!