my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.