He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
calling in to work dehydrated
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
love it when they get my name right
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”