My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Confused owl: What?!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE