BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.