Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
You Might Also Like
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.