If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
so weird how every mom was born today
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping