hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.