Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear