I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*