You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
You Might Also Like
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”