Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You Might Also Like
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.