Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
so this horse walks into a bar
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.