My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
kitchen magnet
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate