Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
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Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol