I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Coffee is ready.