The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.